Motherhood and Identity: 4 ways to retain your sense of self

What does it looks like to be a woman that loves motherhood, and also finds herself wanting to be separated from it at times? How do you hang on to your sense of self, and maintain your identity while raising your kids?

I’ll admit, it’s hard to see a trace of me sometimes in the middle of so much. It’s easy to get lost. And it’s happened to every mom out there. But, why does this happen?  And, why is this accepted?

It’s true…THINGS do change, but YOU shouldn’t.

Your existing routine ends, and a new one begins. It’s easy to leave behind what used to be.

The problem is that some moms think they suddenly have to be a certain way and do certain things to fit the mom role. This new role, a relational one, rather than individual.

Motherhood comes with a lot, but we often don’t talk about the inner struggle in embracing this new role, while keeping our identity, our individuality.

What about talent, hobbies, interests, passions, gifts? These are often left behind because of new mom priorities around the child’s life.

You HAVE to keep doing what you love, and be serious about it.

In order to maintain a sense of self and be a mom at the same time, my take on this is to let go of trying to be something you are not. I think that when you let go of trying to satisfy everyone’s needs and appear to have everything under control, you are killing your self slowly.

Here are some tips for keeping a sense of self and personal identity while raising your kids:

1. Let go of society’s definition of “mother”

After becoming moms, many jump into a role they think they need to fill. The creation of the “ideal mom” in the 1950’s  – the white, middle class housewife who stays at home to raise her children, clean the house and bake cookies that we saw on TV gave a clear picture to women of what they were supposed to emulate as their proper mom role in society. Thus, moms began to construct their identities around this image, and many still continue today. Let go of that. Create your own definition of what being a mom is about – but for you.

2. Don’t multitask, it doesn’t work

Multitasking is tempting because of the illusion that you are being productive. Multitasking doesn’t equate efficiency.

Just stop hurrying to get things done, and trust that everything WILL fall into place. When you multitask, you mess up, you get tired, cranky and burn out.

3. Stop trying to be perfect and learn to be at ease with some mess in your life

Don’t kill yourself in keeping your home spotless or making sure everything gets checked off. Perfectionism is not a quality. It’s a setback for you, and toxicity for those around you.

4. Finally, get out of your house

Work doesn’t count. Go out and stop feeling guilty. Just stop it. If you want a life again, you have to fight through it. I know it’s hard because you don’t want to interrupt what’s going on inside your little bubble, it’s normal. But, this type of behavior is unhealthy in the long run. Let your kids learn to be with other people and develop social skills. If you can find reliable help, take it and enjoy your time out. You need this time to refuel, but also to get back in touch with yourself. Use the time to reflect, plan your future, or just unwind with a couple of friends and be you. 

You are a full-blown, complete woman, with a great set of skills, talents, interests, and uniqueness. Don’t give that up. Remember, you children are watching and they are learning from you.

What motherhood teaches me

Now that my daughter is six months, I will write about how it’s been as a follow up to a post I wrote in October about the crazy and unrealistic expectations people in general have of mothers. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant then.

So here is what’s been going on.

I decided to stay at home and work as a full time mom, and I’m returning to my career until I feel ready. This was not what I intended. I planned to work a few months after the birth of my daughter, but it didn’t turn out that way and I’m glad it didn’t. I finally decided it was best to stay home full-time.

This is the unpopular choice for the majority of today’s women. I understand why. Who wants to do a bunch of house work, take care of a child and not get paid for it?  But, motherhood is misunderstood.

Who says a woman can’t create the life she wants while being a mother? Fun does not end after becoming a mom. Women can be happy, thriving mothers.

Unfortunately, the messages about motherhood are either that motherhood is awful and hard or that it is all idyllic. Both extremes are unreal. Motherhood, also, is not just about house work or caring for children, it’s also about personal growth.

For me, it was nothing I had expected or heard. The experience is uniquely mine and I think it is that way for every mom because before we were mothers we were (and still are) already somebodies with different likes, dislikes, different friends, habits, jobs, activities, etc. Motherhood makes us grow differently, depending where we are in life. Sure, there are many things we all share as mothers, but how it impacts the core of our lives is very different.

I talk about it more later in the post, but in a nutshell I grew tremendously. I am better and feel it. Some mothers may disagree – that’s fine – we’re not all the same.

A supportive husband/partner/relative is key and so are outside activities and distractions. I can’t imagine doing all of this and not having my husband do his part of the job. So that’s a huge help to me. I understand that some moms do not have much help.

Being a mom really makes you appreciate other moms, especially your own. I did fall into the super mom trap. I ended up falling into productivity traps and got burned out many days, especially in the first months. But, I looked back at what I had wrote, and it helped me get back on track and stay true to my word about being good to myself. I wrote about it here.

In terms of activities and hobbies, it is possible to continue the stuff that was put on hold. Even if it’s a couple of hours a week. I usually leave my daughter with my husband a night a week to do something I like. Like meet with a friend or go to a class to learn something new. It’s important to nourish yourself to balance you and mom. That’s how it feels, like there are two people living in one! It’s not a bad thing.

I’m a proponent of doing one thing at a time, though I understand this is not possible for many moms. I am lucky in the sense that I am not working from home or even part time. If you can do it, go for it. There is always time to go back to your career.

I wanted to share the 3 most important things I’ve learned as a new mom:

1. I learned to be healthier. I think about my daughter’s health and if I want her to eat healthy foods and feel good about herself, I need to teach her through my own actions. She has to see me doing those things, so I started to exercise every day (I will post about this soon too – my results are crazy!), and I eat more consciously. No need for a special diet, gym membership or expensive workout equipment!

2.  I learned new ways to cope with stress. Before my daughter came into the picture, I used drink more than I do now, and smoked cigarettes to release tension. Although having drinks  with friends is perfectly normal, there are many other things I do now to blow off steam. I am writing more and working out. I quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant, and have been smoke-free ever since. I’m not perfect at all, I have a lot to learn, but I am definitely on a better path.

3. I put my best self forward because this sweet little bundle looks to me for guidance and is picking up after everything I do! I am her example.

Please share experiences in your motherhood/fatherhood journey!  I would like to hear about it. 

I don’t want to be “super mom”

The concept of the super mom doesn’t appeal to me. The amount of work involved this cute title is not worth it. But, somehow society finds this term acceptable and even expected of moms.

I don’t want to be a super mom. It’s not going to work out.

The super mom I’ve heard of is a multi-tasker, whereas I am a single-tasker. The super mom I’ve heard of has given into a new role and given up her hobbies, activities, and nights out.The super mom I’ve heard of is happy and put together. It’s likely she works too, and cooks and cleans. Hmmm…no wonder so many women today are discouraged at the thought of motherhood!

I will be a mom soon and that is why I bring myself to write about it. I do admire moms who work and raise children at the same time, who make sacrifices, who are quite talented and you can see it in the the sweat and blood reflected in their pleasant and organized homes. Not assuming is they who do all the work.

I know that I don’t have any real world experience yet, but I think that it comes down to ME defining what being a mom is – in my own terms. The same way we define success and love.

I mean, just because something has been done a certain way by moms, it does not mean it should apply to all moms. These are some things I’m reflecting on:

• I want to be a happy mama so I’m not aiming for perfection. I’m limiting tasks.This is a form of respect for my body and mind. After all – wouldn’t my daughter want to see me happy rather than tired and resentful?

• I want to do less, not more so that I can kick some real ass at this. People in general, not just moms – add things to the day rather than subtract. Effective time management is really about doing less and not more. I want to cut down to doing only essential stuff, and get help from my husband and relatives. When people try to do everything at once, they compromise the quality – be it cooking, cleaning, painting, anything. You brake promises, arrive late, miss out, and end up with that miserable guilty feeling.

• I’ll be interrupting shit. Only if we interrupt, we can begin to see where our day goes, and where we are headed.

• Let go of the dumb temptation to do it all. Focus on having fun, accept help from others, say “no” more often.

I will be posting my experience after the baby is born, and see how it goes.

What is your definition of a super mom/mom?